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Eating disorder: 'leaving things open'

tl;dr I cannot leave food 'unfinished', be it leftovers, food waste, containers that are open but unfinished, serving bowls that still visibly have food in them, etc. I do not desire to eat what's remaining, and in the moment I'm hyperaware that finishing said thing will feel bad and uncomfortable and not taste good and I won't even digest it [due to IBS-like disease], but I can't not finish it—the compulsion to finish, complete, tie up loose ends, 'close', is too strong. So I have to finish it anyway. I've learned to employ several 'tricks' to get my mind thinking I haven't left anything 'open', such as only eating one meal a day and only eating food that can be prepped from pantry to plate in an hour or so within one serving. Do any of you struggle with this? How do you cope? It's really hurting me.
I tagged it as 'Is This A Thing' but I'm moreso asking for help/tips on how to cope, not so much the extent to which this pattern of thinking is autistic.
I have troubling bowel issues, and when I look back at them I realize they largely have to do with a history of disordered eating, and when I look at the history of disordered eating, one familiar pattern emerges that I'm seeing every day still plaguing me: this need to 'not leave things open'. /Unfinished. It actually applies to all aspects of my life, but food is where it's most relevant right now.
It's just this general sense that if I make something, I have to finish it all. No strings left untied sort of deal. One or two portions of leftovers, or even three or four, never make it it to 'leftovers'—they occupy this headspace of "Welp, I made too much, and if I don't 'put it away' [in my belly] it will go to waste." This usually either applies to 'in my belly' or 'in the trash'; I usually put it away in my belly, but sometimes if I'm smart and I know in advance I don't want to go through the pain and discomfort of being compelled to eat it all, what I can do is serve my portion onto my plate and then put the rest directly into the trash so that I can't touch it. I know this is bad/dumb; that's why I don't do it often; it does save me the ensuing discomfort though. But when that quantity of food is prepared and ready to be eaten and left out in the form of leftovers, it is literally a feat of mind to let it sit there, and 19/20 times I simply cannot. If I make it to the point of putting some into a leftovers container, it looks dumb because I'll literally be shoveling the food from the pot into my mouth even while transferring it into the leftover container up until I the point where I close the lid firmly and put it away and shut the door.
I don't like eating large quantities of food, nor do I need it. I'm small. I've been chronically skinny as long as I can remember, and even developed quite the dysphoria around my inability to gain weight like other girls; and no I don't binge/purge or anything (my inability to absorb nutrients is apparently a 'purge' enough in its own right). This compulsion is different than all that.
I do recognize the point when I'm 'satisfied' and when I'm 'full'. It usually happens very early on for each food group; ~ under twenty bites for each thing before I know my sensory satiety for it has been met. But past that point, I can't stop myself, and that's what this problem applies to. "There is more left. I don't want it, but I cannot leave this unfinished. I cannot leave this 'open'."
If I open a bag of something 'snack-like', even if it's an entire 11-servings bag of tortilla chips, I have to finish it. Leftovers are another good example of this, especially mid-sized amounts of leftovers, where I can't get them from the cooking pot to the fridge fast enough before this compulsion orders me to finish it.
With huge quantities of leftovers this doesn't happen so much: if I'm looking at a quantity of already-prepared food that's just obviously way too much to fit in my stomach, like 10-20 portions or more, I somehow feel compelled to only eat my fair share.
This unfortunately extends to the pantry as well. If see a copious quantity of rice, like bags and bags of bulk 20-lb rice bags, ensuring plenty, then I generally won't have this problem. But if all I feel I have is one partially finished bulk bag left, I'll feel compelled to use as possible at a time to "finish" it, to "finish" it, as much and as soon as possible. I really like the feeling of having a massive stockade of food, and I really like the feeling of having nothing at all, all finished. But that almost-done point, once it runs out to the point of perceived impending scarcity?—the tables turn.
The best times in the past few years battling this thing have happened when I've bought enough food for the pantry, bags and bags and bags, that when I opened the door I saw way too much to fuck with this with, and was contented to reliably only take and cook small portions at a time (small portions because, I can't deal with having leftovers, so I'd just take the smallest portion comfortable and cook and eat it as OMAD). But by the time I got to the last bulk bag and perceived any sort of scarcity ahead, my nice routine would drop; I'd be compelled to make as much as possible, perhaps at first saying 'Oh I'll just keep the leftovers' but then not being able to keep the leftovers, until it too was gone, and I felt some sense of relief of that last bag being gone.
I want to make clear the extent to which this is not simply me 'wanting more food'. Past the sensory satiety point I mentioned earlier, there is a period of time of 'stuffing oneself' where it doesn't feel necessarily bad, but I continue past that range into the range where it does feel bad. Where the food has become downright tasteless, my stomach is distending, and it's obvious I don't have enough enzymes/etc to handle this at once in my stomach. To the point where it hurts. Is legit uncomfortable. And I look at myself, and I look at myself eating and continuing to eat, and I ask myself, "Why? Why can't you stop? Why do you know all this, and perceive consciously how much you're hurting yourself, and how much you're not ready for this and it's unnecessary and exacerbating your gut dis-ease and more than anything else legit feels bad in the moment and you know this? You know you won't absorb it anyway. So why?"
"Because it's not finished."
And that is apparently some impulse that is strong enough to block out all of my other shit; all of my wanting to change, all of my recognizing in the moment how bad and uncomfortable this is, all of my self-hatred surrounding it, all of my saying "I could change if I wanted to"—I don't; I never do; I can't. Via conscious willpower, I cannot change this. If there is food, and I perceived it as 'unfinished' in some way, I will eat it.
I was the worst at buffets, especially the kind of buffets where I knew the catering company was gonna throw out the leftovers. (This didn't so much apply to tighter functions where I could rest assured that the supplier would be bagging everything up and distributing it to either partygoers to take home or to homeless people afterwards, etc; just some plan that I could rest assured it would be finished and not wasted.) I was the worst at multi-party dinners or get-togethers with friends (back when I had people I associated with who called me 'friend'), where they'd have stuff left on their plate, and even though I myself didn't want it and felt stuffed, I couldn't stand to see them not wrapping it up and knowing they'd let the wait staff throw it in the trash so I'd be That Guy who finished other people's food. Again, never made me feel good; I knew this. But I couldn't stand the waste.
I'm writing this as I hover over an 'unfinished' pot right now. Even having said all of this, and looking right at it, I know that in the next 30 minutes [once I've hit 'post' on this] I will reheat it and consume the rest, as to not have leftovers. [Update: did. Felt bad. As per usual.] It's not that I hate leftovers; I'm 1000% fine with reheating food or eating prepped food—the thing I hate is how the unfinished-ness occupies my brain.
The knowledge of not having leftovers in the house frees up focus. Like, I'm looking right now, at a jar of sauerkraut I've made. I don't feel the urge to eat all the sauerkraut at once generally, but right now it's about 1/3rd of the way down the side, and it's at the point of registering as 'almost empty; must finish, must complete and throw away [the jar or whatever {once it's empty}]. I know that once I do, I will feel a peace of mind.
I'd also like to say that this 'problem with food' has flipped around to the unexpected windows of fasting, to reiterate the fact that this does not have to do with me wanting food so much as not being able to stop until something's finished. I went through several phases of OMAD, intermittent fasting, and even alternate-day fasting, and yes I'll admit that during those period of fasting I was … well … I didn't have this feeling. Because nothing was 'open'. All the 'open'ing happened on the feast day, and then everything was 'closed' again for the fast. All bags, bottles, jars; I planned it out so there was never any halfway-thru of a jar or bag etc left, just everything completely, completely finished.
And that's largely the only way I can cope. NO matter of willpower can seem to help with this—the only thing that's been helpful has been planning my eating habits around this feeling, doing things that I know will trick my mind into the feeling of 'Okay good, everythings closed, everythings finished', even if it's technically not. Such as making way-too-huge quantities and immediately wrapping the leftovers all up as soon as it's off the stove and putting it in the fridge and walking away before anything else. Or, making only the quantity I think I should eat like mentioned, and eating it as an OMAD.
I feel like a child because the thought keeps coming to mind that if only I had someone else in control of my food, this wouldn't be a problem. Look I love food; I'm quite obsessed with it; I mean in the aspects of food history, science, nutritive qualitites, cultural dishes, etc, plus the aspect of presentation; god, I'm a human! I'm a human, and I'm a bit of a foodie, especially for that first period of time when it's just a matter of fulfilling my sensory satiety, before all this other hurtful shit kicks in. I feel I could be healthful if someone else was controlling my food, though; like, despite me wanting to know so much and control so much about ingredients and their preparation, if I had a mom-figure who controlled food and locked it up and only served me the amount they thought necessary and put away the rest without me even having to think about the possibility of leftovers, then this wouldn't be a problem.
But I am an Adult so that's not really feasible.
All I can do is these life hacks to 'trick' myself. It's been really helpful realizing this is how I operate so I can 'trick' myself better and better to avoid this pain. But I'm just wondering if anyone else experiences this, or how they deal with it.
I've not mentioned how the general thread of 'not leaving things unfinished' applies to the rest of my life…If I'm interested in talking to and understanding a friend via text message (or discord whatever), I understand the other person has a life but I cannot help myself from being on the phone 24/7, even when they're not around I'm just refreshing the app or re-reading or conversation, waiting, and then continuing full-force when they're back, because I'm itching to continue until I feel my interaction with them has finished or completely closed, at which point I swing to not thinking about them for days or weeks or months. It all comes in surges like this, and while ig I could pin it on 'fixation' since that word is a good explanatory one for how I operate in a lot of other aspects of life, there's additionally this distinct feeling of 'leaving [the interaction] open/unfinished'. Same happens with just emailing and interacting with companies or healthcare etc on a disjointed basis—if I need to figure out something with healthcare, and I've sent an email they haven't responded to that is 'open' in my mind, I literally just keep checking my phone alllll day not being able to move on or focus on much else until that conversation is 'closed' in my head. Come to think of it, here's another thing that's not quite related but gives me the same kind of satisfaction (or not quite satisfaction as much as ease-of-mind / no-more-dissatisfaction): throwing away things I think I don't need. I do this a lot. (To the point where I basically don't own many material things anymore except two outfits, a phone and laptop, a toolbox, and food+utensils. I could list my possessions on a college notebook paper.) Throwing away extraneous socks, throwing away receipts and documents I've accumulated, selling electronics I decide I don't need anymore…there's a similar kind of 'get-rid-of' urge, where I just want the bare minimum; I want to 'clear everything' from my surroundings and mind so that the thought of these things isn't left waiting for me, and I can simplify and tie up loose ends.
Okay that's all. Long post. Hopefully you only had to skim part of it to get what I was talking about. I might condense this for a therapist later.
submitted by portlandiandro to AutismTranslated

Just fix it and send it in? You got it! Have fun with the inspectors breathing down your neck for a year.

Brief background:
I work as a safety consultant, with a certification we'll call JobSecurity. For certain potentially hazardous work-activities, a custom safety plan MUST be approved by someone with a JobSecurity certification. Since getting this certification is, surprise, very lengthy and expensive process, most companies with under a 1000 employees don't employ anyone with this certification, so they hire someone to do it for them.
Due to me charging by the hour, the majority of such plans are 95% finished, and include either a blank chapter labelled "your stuff here" or an appendix with the same name. Often they include either most, or all of the proper precautions (because while JobSecurity is expensive, the answers can be pretty similar between similar jobs)

The events eight weeks before today:
I get a very standard email, by a standard and familiar planner who has sent me a dozen plans, with a very standard request, to check and append a very standard safety plan for a reasonably standard job. So I give a very standard "I'll have it done in two weeks" reply.
0.04 seconds later, my phone rings, so I give half of my standard answer, before being cut off by a very angry Project Lead from CityShittyCable. I can't take two weeks to do this, they need it tomorrow!
Now, this happens a LOT, either due to bad planning on their part, unfamiliarity with the rules or just the ever-present requirement changes. Most people tend to ask nicely, and I politely inform them of my rushjob-pricing, and they always agree, because everyone else also charges more for rushwork, and delays cost a lot more than what I charge.
But, none of that matters, because it's obviously my fault. It's one half of one little chapter and it shouldn't take more than an hour. In the background I hear Planner mentioning I'd have to first read all the survey reports and test results (I like him!) but no, I'm a professional, I should know my stuff! Well, I am, even if I can't read 600 pages of reports in 30 minutes. But at rushjob-pricing, I have no issues working late, so I promise to get it tomorrow afternoon.
But no, that's not good enough. He has tomorrow off, so I have to not only do my work and sign it, I need to finish the safety plan and send it in.

Now, clever readers might have noticed he just asked me, not one of his employees, to write down stuff ShittyCable is going to have to do, and pay for, without anyone in ShittyCable reviewing it, or providing any input. The moment that plan is approved, it becomes part of not just their contract, but part of the permits as well. Breaking this plan means you're breaking the law, and are technically a criminal. So, I immediately tell him he needs to agree in writing, and start typing up a cover-my-ass email outlining this (and my fee). He replies with the words "yes yes fine and send it to [email protected](dot)tld"

And then I notice something very interesting. This very standard job is really not that standard at all. What appears to be a very standard trench by a standard road apparently crosses an old gasstation, which is not so much "rustic meadow with flowers and butterflies" as "toxic wastedump with glowing green puddles and two-headed animal carcasses". Now, because, as pointed out, I'm a professional, I immediately email the Planner, and give them a call to inform them this is really not so standard.
Yes, he know. Yes, he told Project Lead, who said it was my job to fix that. I call ShittyCable Project Lead again. Yes, he very loudly confirms, it's my job to fix this. So, I fix it, and as requested, I send it to the permits department, CC'ing Planner and Supervisor and their Boss.

More background:
There are lots of things you can do to reduce costs in a situation like this. Take more samples to more accurately find the polluted spot, so you don't need to use safety precautions for as big an area. You can use different work methods that don't involve getting yourself dirty. You can maybe dig around it, or even stay above it. A little planning can save everyone a LOT of money, or if ShittyCable can make it a changeorder, even make them money.
Edit: but I included none of that, since it wasn't discussed. I included all the precautions, for a huge area, for standard working conditions, where everyone wears all the PPE anywhere near the work site. Massive amounts of very expensive soil needing to be isolated and disposed of. It was a very expensive set of over-the-top measures, but exactly what the book demands.

Six weeks later, two weeks before today:
The safety plan is approved, the permit is in the mail, everyone is happy because the work can start. Yay!

Two weeks later, today (well, not today, but for the story, it is).
Planner calls me. To discuss the safety plan and any improvements (read: to gossip), and to discuss some large upcoming work.
Apparently, Projectlead took it upon himself to save some money after all, and got some work done to determine the size of the pollution, and some other basic measures. And then they decided to just go and do what they thought was fine. And lets be clear: It was totally fine, and 100% safe and sound. Nobody was ever in any physical danger.
But the Inspector for Government Agency disagreed. As all health and safety inspectors, they are robots sent from the future to assess your paperwork and damn the real world situation; they looked at the permit, saw that it listed an 600-meter stretch of work to be carried out in moonsuits and respitators. They looked up and saw people working in their jeans and jackets. While perfectly safe, since it wasn't dangerous there, this did not match the paperwork they had, and the paperwork is god. The paperwork says this is dangerous, so it is. The paperwork says to wear a suit, so you must. If you're not, you're breaking the law. The work was stopped until the situation in real life once more resembled the paperwork.
That took a week, and an Official Warning was issued. Now, while a week's unpaid delay is quite bad for a company, an Official Warning is worse. Companies with an Official Warning basically regarded as career criminals who are guilty until proven innocent.
Within those two weeks, every single one of ShittyCable's dozen or so worksites was inspected. And as anyone in construction may know, if an inspector wants to find a fault, they will. And each one of those faults needs fixing, and an explanation must be found (no, "Bob messed up despite knowing better" isn't an explanation) improvement plans need to be made, and must be followed. And you need to prove you did so. And then you have a record of the Inspectors finding 10 faults in two weeks, which looks really bad on your record.
Now, Project Lead hates my guts, but apparently one point of the inspections was that all the safety plans (mostly mine) passed with flying colors. Project Lead's boss was quite happy with me. Happy enough that he even forwarded the compliment, and told Planner to ask me to help them "avoid such mistakes in the future".
submitted by Tar_alcaran to MaliciousCompliance

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